How to Forgive Someone Without Excusing What They Did

Everett Worthington spent his career studying forgiveness and developed one of psychology’s most tested methods for teaching it. Then, on New Year’s Day 1996, two teenagers broke into his mother’s home and killed her.

He forgave his mother’s killer using the process he had taught for years. The harder part came after. His brother Mike, who found their mother, died by suicide. Worthington struggled to forgive himself for not helping his brother. The toughest forgiveness was self-forgiveness.

In this episode of the Mental Fitness Podcast, Dave Barney and Luke Olson explore what forgiveness really asks of you, and what it does not.

Forgiveness asks for less than people assume

People often resist forgiving because they think it means saying the harm was okay or pretending it never happened. Forgiveness means neither.

You can forgive and still say what happened was wrong. You can forgive and remember. Sometimes remembering protects you from getting hurt again. "Forgive and forget" combines two things that do not belong together.

But reconciliation is separate. It takes two people who want to rebuild. Forgiveness is an internal process and can happen even if the other person is unrepentant or gone. Trust is rebuilt through actions, not by forgiving. Consequences can stay, too. Forgiveness does not erase accountability.

Forgiveness lightens what you carry. Who you let back into your life is a separate choice.

Deciding comes before feeling

Worthington draws a clear line between two types of forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness is a choice to not retaliate or seek revenge. Emotional forgiveness comes more slowly. Over time, resentment and hostility fade, sometimes replaced by empathy or compassion.

Many people wait for forgiveness to feel right before acting. But you can decide to forgive now, even if your feelings take weeks or months to follow.

So acting first and letting feelings catch up is common in mental fitness. Waiting to feel ready can mean waiting for years.

What a grudge does to your body

Charlotte van Oyen Witvliet and her team at Hope College ran a study on forgiveness. They asked students to recall someone who hurt them. Sometimes, students focused on the hurt and held a grudge. Other times, they tried to empathize and forgive.

When students focused on grudges, their heart rates, blood pressure, and stress levels rose. Some of these effects lasted even after they stopped thinking about the hurt. Forgiving thoughts lowered stress and gave students a sense of control.

Even just remembering the event made students’ bodies react as if it was happening again. Rumination works the same way in real life. Each time you replay what happened, your body relives a bit of the stress.

There is a saying: resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it hurts your enemy. The person you resent rarely feels it. You do, lying awake or replaying arguments in your head.

Mandela lived this lesson. After 27 years in prison, he made reconciliation the focus of his presidency. He supported the Truth and Reconciliation Commission because he believed South Africa needed to face its past. He forgave without forgetting.

What happens in the brain

There is no single part of the brain for forgiveness. In one small study, people imagined forgiving or holding a grudge. Forgiveness lit up brain areas linked to empathy and emotion control.

Research is early, and imagining a scenario is not the same as forgiving in real life. The memory stays. What changes is how your brain responds to it.

Old traditions reached similar conclusions

People have wrestled with forgiveness long before modern science. Major religions and philosophies disagree on much, but they land in similar places on forgiveness, each with their own focus.

Christianity centers on grace, connecting receiving forgiveness with giving it. Judaism ties forgiveness to accountability. Wrongdoers are expected to admit and repair harm. Islam balances justice and mercy, urging forgiveness as the higher path. Buddhism teaches that hatred ends only through non-hatred. Hinduism places forgiveness with self-control and compassion.

Despite their differences, these traditions agree: someone else’s wrongdoing should not turn you into someone fueled by hate.

The REACH method

Forgiveness is a skill you can learn. A 2014 meta-analysis pooled 54 studies with over 2,300 people. Structured forgiveness programs led to more forgiveness, more hope, and fewer depression and anxiety symptoms than no treatment. Longer programs worked even better.

Worthington’s REACH method was tested in a major trial. Nearly 4,600 people in five countries tried a self-guided REACH workbook. Those who used it became more forgiving and reported less depression and anxiety than those who waited.

REACH is an acronym for five steps.

R: Recall the hurt. See what happened clearly, without downplaying or exaggerating it. What did they do, and what did it cost you? Pushing hurt down usually backfires.

E: Empathize. Try to see the person who hurt you as human. Their behavior is still wrong. Ask what was going on in their life that led them to do it. You can understand without approving. For some harms, empathy is too much. Just seeing the person as flawed, not evil, is progress.

A: Altruistic gift. Think of a time you needed forgiveness and someone gave it to you. Can you offer that same kind of gift?

C: Commit. Make your decision real. Write one sentence: "I choose to forgive [person] for [what happened]." This is for you, not them.

H: Hold on. Feelings will flare up again, especially when you see or hear about the person. That does not mean you failed. Emotion is just a signal. Forgiveness is a position you return to, not a one-time act.

When the person you need to forgive is you

Forgiving his mother’s killer was hard, but forgiving himself took longer. You can walk away from others. You cannot escape yourself. Every glance in the mirror puts you back as both offender and judge.

Research draws a line: self-forgiveness is not letting yourself off the hook. It means taking responsibility, committing to change, and then accepting yourself. A 2024 review found that self-forgiveness can be taught.

Worthington has a six-step model for forgiving yourself. Dave and Luke compress it into three moves.

Own it. Name what happened as behavior, not identity. "I’m a terrible husband" becomes "I lied to my wife." "I’m a failure" turns into "I made a choice that went against my values." Guilt says you did wrong, and it can help you change. Shame says you are wrong, and it shuts you down. Own the action, not the shame.

Repair it. Ask what you can fix. Apologize if possible, and change what led to the mistake. If you cannot repair directly, find another way to make things right. Self-forgiveness addresses the damage before letting go of guilt.

A lot of people get stuck here. The thinking goes that if they stop punishing themselves, they are dodging accountability. Once you have owned it and repaired what you can, the guilt has delivered its message, and more self-punishment is rumination with the same physical costs as a grudge aimed at someone else.

Release it. Stop wishing the past was different. Ask what you learned and who you will be now. Offer yourself the same decency you would give anyone trying to change. Self-forgiveness means letting the harm shape you, not trap you.

Try this week

1. Pick a grudge that is a three or four out of ten. Start with something real but manageable, not your biggest hurt.
2. Write what happened in one factual sentence. Skip the courtroom argument.
3. Name what you are still waiting for: an apology, an explanation, or simply a different past.
4. Add up the cost of carrying it. Notice your sleep, mood, and how your body reacts when you hear their name.
5. Write your commit sentence: "I choose to forgive [person] for [harm]." Keep it for yourself.
6. Decide what you can let go of without losing the lesson. Drop the revenge, keep the boundary. Let go of resentment, keep the wisdom.

The expert still had to practice it

Even the forgiveness expert had to practice. He started with others, then turned to himself.

What happened matters. Forgiveness decides how much of your future it controls.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available by call or text at 988, and the Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741741.